Deep Loving Acceptance
And let's throw in some forgiveness, gratitude and admiration for good measure
My life’s overarching theme has a core truth, and it’s a doozy.
Unconditional (self) love.
And if I were to unravel it here with you, thread by thread, we’d see the various interweaving storylines of my life at play:
not feeling like I was enough — I’m not good enough, talented enough, skinny enough, beautiful enough, etc
not feeling worthy — I don’t deserve this because x, y, z
people pleasing tendencies — if I be who they want to be, they will like me / accept me / value me, etc
over-giving — if I give and give and give some more, they’ll think I’m kind and generous and wonderful, and appreciate me
It’s been 39 years (so far) of slowly and gently tugging at these narratives, bringing them out of the shadows, examining them in the light to better understand them and myself, and deciding how I want to rewrite and reweave them back into my life’s tapestry.
Ultimately, each one has revealed my core truth to me.
Like an all-knowing friend, they have taken my hand and quietly yet firmly said to me:
“Sonia, babe, you’ve just gotta love yourself. More. Now. Exactly as you are.”
Ha! Easier said than done.
But I haven’t let that stop me from trying. And trying again. And again. And again.
And what’s really come to light for me lately is that unconditional love for myself and of myself is not a destination. It’s not a mystical place or a state of being that I will magically arrive at one day, and then that’s it — job done.
It’s a devotion. A daily practice. A commitment and a recommitment that asks and unlocks just a little more of me each time I kneel at my altar.
I don’t know about you, but viewing it this way eases the pressure just a little. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It feels attainable, within my reach, and something I can become intimately familiar with and gradually get better at with the passing of time. Like building a temple, brick by loving brick.
In addition to this, I have come to realise that unconditional love is merely a fancy term for deep loving acceptance.
Which — again — feels much lighter and something that I can wrap my head and heart around.
Because… go with me here for a moment… imagine your favourite human being. How do you feel about them? You love them, right? And even though they are very human (read: imperfect) you know this and you accept them, exactly as they are. Deep loving acceptance. You wouldn’t have them any other way because to change them would mean exactly that: they wouldn’t be the same person you treasure and adore.
So why do we desire to change ourselves?
I know for me personally, I have spent so many (too many) years wanting to change aspects of myself, small and large. From the colour of my hair to a couple of dabbles with botox. From taking other people’s guidance as gospel to detoxes and diets.
I don’t even want to think about how much time and energy I have dedicated to the pursuit of my perceived personal perfection over the years. If I knew, I think it would make me very sad. All that time wasted on trying to morph and modify myself… for what? And why? I’m sure there are a myriad of reasons and I could probably rationalise and justify each and every one of them until the cows come home. But I have no desire or interest in wasting any more of my precious time on fruitless pursuits. Let the cows be wherever they are.
I want to be here, now, in this body of mine, as the woman I am.
I want to deeply and lovingly accept each and every aspect of myself.
To bring them all together, as one, and let them unapologetically take the shape and form of me. Every inch. Every curve. Every shade and texture.
I no longer desire to look like someone else or be held to a standard of beauty that is not my own. Because to strive for either of those things is to set myself up for guaranteed failure. And how utterly crappy is that?!
Call it the wisdom of age or simply being sick of my own shit, but I am just not available for this kind of misery anymore. I want more and better for myself, like I would for someone I love.
In fact, my newest life mantra is:
“How good can it get?”
I like that it’s a question because it feels open-ended. It invites playful curiosity, experimentation and exploration. It asks me to embrace the mystery and be always ready to receive miracles.
It also hints that even in my most intense moments of blissful gratitude, when I’m in the sparkle of awe and wonder, thinking how amazing life is and how did I get so lucky to be blessed by the universe in this way… I realise there’s more and better available and on its way to me. Like, if you think this is good, you ain’t seen nothing yet, sweetcheeks.
Call me delulu but I’d much rather live in that kind of happy and hope-filled energetic state any day of the week. Because there have been too many days of stress and anxiety and regret and disappointment and self-torture that I have endured at my own hands. So it ends here. It ends now.
Also…
I’m not saying it will be simple or straightforward. I haven’t suddenly jagged a sharp left turn and ended up on Easy Street. I’m human and I’m complicated and I’m ever-evolving. I will never be the same, from one day to the next.
And this is why perception is everything.
Because by choosing to see my life’s theme of unconditional love as a deep loving acceptance practice, I am always making strides.
Even if some days they are a single tiny tippy toe of a baby step, I’m still moving towards it.
And that’s good enough for me.
With (unconditional) love,
— Sonia. x
“It asks me to embrace the mystery and be always ready to receive miracles.” May we all be open to mystery and miracles. Beautiful Xx