This Doesn’t Feel Like Blooming Season

On career limbo, blurry seasons, and the tender art of still showing up.

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Dear Diary,

It’s May (!!!) and I’ve officially been out of the corporate world for nearly 2.5 months since my full-time role was made redundant.

I just re-read the piece I wrote at the end of January — one month out from my job ending — and it’s wild to think that all these weeks later, I still feel the same way. I’ve continued to be on that emotional rollercoaster I never bought a ticket for. Now without the monthly paycheck.

And never did I ever think my mental health would take such a battering simply because I don’t have a job. Nor did I think stress and anxiety would become my nightly insomniac companions and daily background shadows.

And never did I ever think that such a relatively short amount of time would feel like a friggin’ eternity.

This is the stuff no one talks about when you’re going through a life transition — be it a career disruption, a relationship breakdown, a health issue, the loss of a loved one, or something else entirely.

Everyone acknowledges the instigator of the change, quickly and elegantly glosses over the messy middle, and then glorifies and amplifies the victory of being on the other side.

But what I’ve noticed is that what we fail to share is just how long we spend in the murkiness, trudging through the mud of that messy middle.

Yet everyone goes through it.

And everyone I speak to at the moment seems to be going through it right now, in one way or another.

I just finished reading a book called ‘Working Identity: Unconventional Strategies for Reinventing Your Career’ by Herminia Ibarra. Amongst all the research, case studies, and processes, two things stood out to me:

1. We’ve always been told that we must first know what we want to do before we can take action (especially in our career), but this is the truth presented backwards. Knowing is a result of doing and experimenting.

2. Major career transitions take 3-5 years, from start to finish.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Are you kidding me? I haven’t even hit the 3-month mark yet, and I’m not sure how much longer I can trudge through this terrain.

I know I want a portfolio career for myself, and I’ve already built parts of it (contract copywriting and a casual retail job) but they’re not everything. The biggest piece of my puzzle is still yet to fall into place: my business. My own thing. (Re)built by my own design. Doing the things I love to do. Doing them my way. Being of service to others with my gifts and talents. And being paid really, really well for it (because I deserve to be).

I know I need to give myself more time, and I know I need to allow myself to figure it out by doing and experimenting as the book says. And also: easier said than done.

Easier said than done when the present-day pressures of life don’t allow me to just take some time out from it all and quietly coast through this bit until I triumphantly re-emerge into the miracle of the start of my gorgeous, glorious next chapter.

I still have to work. I need to earn (more) money. I have to show up for my jobs. I need to keep trying to build my empire, brick by intentional brick. All at the same time.

And also…

I want to be creatively inspired and active. I want to be clear, decisive and in the energy of forward momentum. I want to feel vibrant and radiant. I want to be having fun and enjoying myself. I want to be writing and creating and speaking and hosting and coaching and being offered amazing opportunities and incredible experiences.

I’m not asking for (too) much, am I?

I know we say we can have everything but not all at the same time… so is that what this is?

I know I’ve got some of it but not all of it, so will the rest come at a later time?

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We’re in a wild, crazy, weird time right now.

In the private chats I have with my friends, they’re all going through it, too. Marriage problems and relationship breakups. Redundancies and career transitions. Trying to find work, build a portfolio career, and keep businesses running. Money worries. Navigating perimenopause and health things no one can seem to name. Exhaustion. Burnout. Overwhelm. Stress. Anxiety. Wondering how and when things will ever change for the better.

When I zoom out to the wider community, I see and hear people tuning out. The constant noise and demand for attention are tiring and too much amongst everything else going on. This week, I read that 1 in 5 people are either pausing or deleting social media this year. Nuts! But also: completely relatable.

And when I zoom out even further to the rest of the world… I. Just. Can’t. Even.

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Let’s be (even more) honest for a second, diary…

I feel like a bit of a joke that no one is laughing at — myself especially — because this Substack publication of mine is called Blooming Season and I feel like I am far from blooming.

I feel like my petals are stuck.

Yet I also know that’s not entirely true: I’ve made progress. I’ve gone for things. I’ve put myself out there. I show up every day. I haven’t given up.

And just because today doesn’t look (or feel) like how I want my future dream life to be, doesn’t mean it isn’t coming together.

Right…?

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I just read a quote someone shared on Substack Notes:

“Don’t be afraid to be seen trying.”

And ooooft! I love this because that’s exactly who I am — someone who isn’t afraid to try, and isn’t afraid to be seen trying.

Why?

As one of my favourite Substack authors, poet Andrea Gibson says in her latest piece:

“Because I realized that if I only reach out to you from the healed place, from the lesson learned, then we don’t get to sit in vulnerability together. Neatly resolved stories signal that the exploration is over. Sometimes it’s not about knowing the answer, but being inside the question together. Being inside the hardest winter together. Being beside each other in the cold when, finally, the first brave sprout pushes through the hard earth, and a smile breaks the surface of our faces, and another season of our lives is upon us. And we gasp in color.”

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So, dear diary, I’ll keep trying.

I’ll keep going.

I’ll keep showing up.

I’ll keep figuring things out by doing and experimenting.

And maybe one day (hopefully soon, please universe)… the pieces of my puzzle will fall into place and show me the bigger picture of what my next chapter will look like.

Gotta live in hope, right?

♡ Sonia. x

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Loved this piece? You can always shout me a cuppa to help me keep the words flowing. Tea is my fuel, and your support means the world — truly. ♥ SB x

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ICYMI —

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